(First meeting in the atelier of the artist). Summer 2008.

Our meeting is taking place while you’re ill, taking a break from your work, with pills. Why you’ve to take medicaments?

Too much work, too much death and thoughts. I felt into physical illness.

Do you think sometimes to be already ill?

In my head, probably yes.

Why?

I guess my soul is ill. My head, being the psychologist must surely have a loss somewhere, too. (laughs)

Or maybe illness means just misunderstanding.

Is it important to you that people understands your way of express yourself?

Not anymore.

Why are you doing all this writing and painting?

I need to do it. It’s the only thing that gives me freedom for a while.

Free from what?

The voices in my head.

Ok. More details, please?

I need to paint because I can escape from my thoughts. I hide from the world.

Does this world scare you?

No. I just don’t like. I prefer to step into my own area.

So, if you paint you leave reality to step in your own world?

Actually I don’t know. I mean, if it would be so, I would still hear the voices in my head, but I don’t. I guess I go somewhere else.

And what about your writings?

It’s different. I write because I need to erase some things in my head. I don’t like this question.

Sorry. Everything ok?

I just don’t like this question. I mean this conversation is not really happening. I don’t like to talk about myself if someone doesn’t ask me for it. It makes me nervous. Just ask something else.

Ok. I know you usually live in big cities, where a lot is going on, but still you want to retire yourself back alone in your place.

What’s wrong with that? I need to feel life around me, it doesn´t matter if I participate or not.

I’m a writer and analyser; I need to see people around me.

So, you´re not writing only about yourself?

No. I write about what I’ve to say. My person is not the only issue in my head.

What’s that you have to say that’s not regarding you?

A lot.

(laughing) I mean, what are the issues you write about which are not regarding yourself?

Violence, religion, emptiness of things and stupidity.

A word about stupidity?

I’m scared that someday I’ll have to realise that I’m a member of the mass of stupid people.

What would you do if you would realise this?

I don’t know. Make sure I’ve a gun and drugs.

Dont’ you think drugs and alcohol are stupid things?

(laughing) They’re and they’re not. It depends how you use them: there’s a difference in between the “logical ill way of therapy” and the “brainless goal of reaching a lack of memory”.

 

Let´s talk about art, reason we’re here today. Why art, why do like it?

I don’t really. Art is a mess. Fixed wrong by many creators and viewers. Put into dirt by “wanna-be-artist” and supported by “wanna-be-so-cultured” –people.

What do you mean?

I rarely meet creative heads; people who have to express themselves through art because there’s no other way to do it. People that have to say something trough art. Their need to create comes from somewhere deep inside, only then, it becomes some worth. Too many people create some shit to call themselves as an artist and think to be super cool.

Almost every dirt is called art today.

Do you go to museums?

Not very often; it makes me sick just to think I could risk to run across visitors who’re talking about art and artist because they need to impress people.

But you see yourself as an artist?

Yes, because I do art. It took me many years to be able to say that I´m an artist. I really hate this expression, and sometimes I still doubt about my art.

What´s the big difference?

Creators like me want to do art and have to be called artists.

Other people want to be artists and have to do some art.

Why don´t you change your work if you don´t really like this art scene?

Because I like what I do. It’s a social spiral I’m trapped in.

A last question about your paintings. From were do you take the inspiration?

Nowhere really. I choose the colours which I like at that moment and then I do everything like it comes.

I don´t think about it. I guess it´s a simple reflection of my brain wall and my taste.

Taste?

I like contrasts a lot.

Would you say so about your personality, too?

No. That´s more about conflicts and opposites.

Are your thoughts pushing you to do art?

Yes. It´s a twisted turning. An inside conflict sometimes. A need of balance.

My thoughts create the instrument to kill or heal themselves again, for a while or definitely.

It’s like suicidal.(laughs)

Ok. Enough for today. Can we meet tomorrow for a few other questions?

Sure.

(In a bar, somewhere outside). How are you feeling today?

I´m tired of this question. Everyone is asking me the same since a week now.

What´s the deal with this stupid talking because it has to be done. All these “good mornings”, “good nights” and these “bon appetites”.

It’s just a game of consciousness.

And what should people say then?

I don´t know. Something they really want to say. I don’t´ like this wasting of words just because the society is expecting this. If you mean it then fine, otherwise just shut the fuck up.

Do you see yourself as a lunatic person?

Could be.

How do people describe you?

Complicated, serious and sometimes they think I´m fun.

Do you agree with all this?

Kind of, except with being funny.

Why?

I truly like to laugh about myself, or about people´s behaviour. But I think I’m not a true fun person.

Sometimes I laugh because I try to force myself to relax or to reach a kind of happiness.

It´s fictive. People misinterpret my way to feel fun.

What is that makes you happy?

A good conversation. Or memories: feeling of memories, and my work, most of the time. Or also to see or hear something beautiful, I love nature, this makes me happy.

What do you regret the most?

When I do laugh without any reasons. Well, I can accept it better today as I used to do it before.

I see it as an unconsciousness therapy.

What’s a good conversation to you?

When I’ve to think what to say or what I just said.

Do you have many good conversations?

Almost never. People use to talk about their own dissatisfaction and microwave dinners.

Let´s change the subject. Your first book will be published in a few months. So far I know, it´s not the first manuscript ready to be published?!

True. It´s the second.

What happened to the first one?

I really can´t remember. I must have chucked it away.

Why?

I thought it´s very bad.

Do you regret it?

No.

Do you think you will start to dislike this one, too?

I doubted it first, but now I´m pretty sure I will not.

What happened?

I had to read it many times for correcting eventual meanings and mistakes, etcetera etcetera.

It started to make me feel sick, read and over read what I wrote.

I read it once again a few days ago and I still do like it. I guess it was just this continuous controlling, which tempted me to think I would start to hate it.

What do you think will people say?

I guess many readers will not really understand it.

Usually you don’t care about someone’s commentary. Why it’s different if it regards your book?

It doesn’t bother me if people will judge it as shit or not, but I’ve to care about the number of selling.

Are you scared about the number of copies you´ll not sell?

Yes.

Would you like to be famous?

I would lie if I say I don’t. I guess to have the wish to be admired for your work it’s human.

Are you already admired by somebody?

I receive compliments for my work by people around me, yes, but I´m not really sure if it´s just a thing for fucking my brain.

Don´t you believe them?

I´m not certain if I do. It´s quite difficult for me to accept compliments.

As we started to talk tonight you seemed to be on a good mood. Now you look kind of angry.

I´m not angry, I´m bored.

I suppose a good conversation would make you happier?

Yes, it would change my mood maybe. But, at the moment, this would mean that I´ve to start talking with myself.

Do you talk a lot with yourself?

All the time. I understand my thinking if I´m talking with myself about it.

But, as you said before, if you get to know you too much, there will be less that surprises yourself.

I know. To be the analyser and being analysed at the same time it’s always very bad.

My questions are almost all asked. Tell me, how do you feel about knowing that in a few months, every one can find you collections of poetries in a book store?

I´m not feeling that much, but if I would, I would probably say that I´m pretty exited about this.

Ok. Let me find a good final question who maybe can change your bored mood.

Yeah. Then you really have to think about it.

I mean, at the end it´s a self-interview, you should know a mood-changing question better than I do.

Maybe I don´t want to change my bad mood.

What would make you happy now?

Being drunk and talking to somebody who has something interesting to say.

You´re on the best way to be drunk.

I know.

Well then. Thanks for speaking to me.

Thank you.

I think we should stop here before we start insulting each other.

I agree.

Do you have one last thing you want to say?

I think the more happens in your life the more you expect things to be there.

Very true.

Why do you always have to add something on what I say?

Because I know you well!

Then stop this now and go away!

I knew we´ll start to fight. You´re drunk and bored, it´s not a good ground for talking to you.

I thought we stopped this interview?!

We can´t stop. You know I´m still in your head.

Not for long anymore.

Yes, kill me with your drinking, I meet you tomorrow anyway again.

We do. And I´ll fight you again.